Pathwalk

A Thought from Skagway, Alaska

2010-08-11T00:48:00.001+01:00

*insert obligatory Skagway link here*

You can't force good/desirable feelings; that doesn't work. What you can do is create a space for them and allow them to show up. They don't always show up immediately, so there's an element of trust that they will appear when they best serve. Stay with whatever happens in the meantime. That too shall pass.

Back in the Saddle

2010-08-07T07:13:00.001+01:00

I'm sitting here in a pub
Waiting for some decent grub
Wondering what now to say
Since I've written little since last May

It's fair to say I'm a busy guy
Even as I drink some whiskey rye
I find it hard to put into phrase
How this past summer has been such a maze

Two friends have died, both near my age
And I'm finally forced to earn my wage
I've lost much strength and some muscle tone
And eaten enough to gain nearly a stone

I've spent a month outside the UK
Traveling the States for both work and play
This past week, I stayed further north
Just to see what the canucks brought forth

I've now had my meal and am quite satisfied
Especially since none of the food was fried
I feel the need to bring this to close
Though I suspect some of you may oppose

You probably hoped for something more real
What I think, what I've learned, how I've coped, how I feel
Rest assured I'll write more from the heart
I'm a bit out of practice; call this a start

Back to Life

2010-06-18T13:19:00.000+01:00

I'm remembering how much illness can have an affect on one's mental and emotional states. The cold I picked up this Sunday morning absolutely floored me for a few days. I managed to work and be somewhat productive with theater company commitments, but I also slept ten hours twice this week when I normally average six to eight. Of course, processing Kevin's death and the meaning of the rest of my life, I found myself bitter and depressed. A lot of my old thought patterns about being out-of-sync with the world, and thus inferior, came to the forefront.

Fortunately, I was able to get out of the rut by reconnecting with my sense of giftedness. Who I am doesn't match up well with Western culture's masculine ideal, and the more I accept that without judgment the freer I am to live by my own choices. That doesn't mean there isn't a place in the world for me; it just means my place isn't predictable or predefined. Telling myself "I have something important to say" (even if I don't know what it is) connects me to a Source inside me that I often forget is there. I have a point of focus that gets me through drama and distraction. It's one step closer to a calling, and straying from it gives me a greater appreciation when I find it again.

What's Going On

2010-06-14T14:33:00.001+01:00

Well, it only took a little over a week from Cornwall to get back into the blogging habit. Jesus Christ Superstar was the talk of Cornwall, and the Minack Theatre suspects there was enough demand for another week or two. I was still struggling a bit with feeling during the early part of the week, but once my birthday (Friday) and receiving a wealth of well-wishes both in person and via Facebook. It was the most loved I've felt in a long time, especially with friends like the Smith, Biggs, and Ashwood families making the trek.

I just found out today that a friend from a drama course I took nearly six years ago passed away this week. He was on vacation in Spain and apparently had an allergic reaction to something. Kevin was one of the best actors I ever had the pleasure of working/studying with. He didn't get the amount of paid work he deserved, but I was always amazed watching him perform. Here's hoping the celestial audience enjoys his work as much as I did.

Things keep moving in my own acting world; principal auditions for my home company's next show were yesterday. I went for three parts, and I had pretty good moments in all three of them. There are a lot of variables in this one: nearly everyone is paired up, and I may add more value to the show in ensemble than a principal. I'll find out on Thursday; fingers crossed.

Emotions have stabilized a bit, though I still have a lot to do both for work and Stagers. Once of the things I'm starting to accept is my expendability. I'm smart and hard-working and contribute a lot to whatever I'm doing, but that doesn't make me essential. People might be disappointed, but if I distance myself just a little bit the freedom I gain is enormous. It doesn't mean that I don't care or won't work hard; it just means I identify with my work a little bit less. Mistakes are what I do not who I am.

Check Yourself

2010-05-26T10:03:00.000+01:00

Just a quick note to let you know I'm still alive. It's been a very hectic two weeks ramping up for the run in Cornwall next week. The weekend was busy but really productive: band call and four open-air rehearsals. I got lots of good feedback and some suggestions on how to be even better. It keeps building and building and should turn into an amazing week.

I've been in a pretty rough place emotionally. Some of it is added stress from work and theater company membership, but I'm also aware that I haven't been taking as good of care of myself as I did in April. I'm not exercising as often, eating as well, organizing my day as well, or even blogging. It's probably impacted my moods more than I'm willing to admit (I had a near breakdown on Friday), and I'm trying to find that balance of taking responibility and beating myself up for mistakes. It's not always easy.

Hopefully, I can get another note in, but if not I wanted to wish you all a happy long weekend and unofficial start of summer. It's been unusually warm in England, and I certainly won't complain if it stays that way when I'm in Cornwall. Be good to yourself. Sometimes it takes considerable effort, but you're worth that.

Use It

2010-05-20T14:05:00.000+01:00

I've had a pretty rough week emotionally. There's a lot of stress going on right now with additional work responsibilities, a show gearing up into its performance run, and some open tasks for my regular theater company. While I'm in a good space about Connie, I also realized there are some grief aftershocks that are a big more generic. I accept that Connie's gone, but I feel a lot of emptiness and frustration about death, life, and romance on a general level. With life going on and piling its own demands on top of that, I've been in a fairly vulnerable state the past few days.

Something I tried last night on the way to rehearsal was to be my own witness with these feelings of anger and sadness. As I accepted whatever was there (a lot of sadness and anger), I realized that I could use those feelings in my performance. My two primary typecasts are antagonists and military figures, and this show fits said pattern. Anger makes me a more menacing bad guy, and sadness adds depth to one of my weaker characters. I can use what's already there instead of having to create it. That thought along made a big shift inside me, and I really needed it then.

Even if you're not in dramatics, the same general idea still applies: emotion is energy. The specifics of the emotion and its trigger aren't as important as what you do with it. Fear can lead to insight. Sadness can lead to empathy. Anger can lead to activism. We all have these base feelings; where a lot of us differ is how we (don't) process them. What happens when these feelings show up for you? Do you ignore them? Do you unload them on the nearest person? Do you stop a moment, notice them, and see what they are trying to tell you?

Love Changes Everything

2010-05-18T13:28:00.000+01:00

Life just keeps moving with(out) my blog posts. I had a really full weekend of catching up with friends, shopping, some adult beverages, and musical rehearsals/meetings. I can't believe we're running the show here in two weeks. I don't think it will sink in until I'm down there. It should be a great week, and I can't think of a better way to turn 35... barring a joint celebration with Angelina Jolie.

I turned the corner with Connie late last week. It took a while and was a pretty hard road, but I had a great deal of support when I needed it most. What I realized at a deeper level is that figuring out how to be lovable (or believe that you're lovable) doesn't really work. Whether you define love as thought, emotion, or action, what matters most is that it's outbound. It is a gift to be given, an energy to be shared. It is possible to accept it from others, but to source it from outside yourself doesn't work very often or for very long.

I've often heard that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, and I wonder if it's the other way around (or possibly concurrent). Being absolutely unconditional with someone offers a freedom I have yet to experience anywhere else. It creates a space of openness, acceptance, and purity. It's not always easy to achieve or maintain, but I've always found it worth the effort.

Gratitude

2010-05-14T10:01:00.001+01:00

While grieving the loss of a valued friend, I have received a tremendous amount of support from people around me. Last Friday, I went to a mutual friend's house, where a few of us met for food, beverages, and my favorite movie of the last five years. It helped me get out of my own head and feelings or a bit, and I really needed that.

Connie's funeral was Wednesday morning, and a few of said friends were planning on getting together for drinks. I was committed to rehearsal, but I had a chance to connect with some cast members after the pub. I shared what was going on, and they were supportive and just listened to my incessant babbling. The social aspect of this Barnstomers show has been the biggest highlight of my year so far. I have met so many great people (particularly feebs) through it, and I'm confident that performing the show in an outdoor theater in Cornwall will be absolutely amazing.

I also know there are many people in the world who think highly of me, and the feeling is mutual even if we're not in direct contact very often. We make a greater impact on people's lives than we often realize, and I feel honored to brighten a person's day or provide a different perspective every once in a while. You're adding to that honor just by reading this post. Thank you.

Dance to the Music

2010-05-11T20:02:00.001+01:00

As you may have guessed, I've spent a lot of time since my last post processing Connie, thinking about the good times we spent and a few missed opportunities. She was a lovely person and didn't deserve to be taken by cancer at the age of 32. I didn't take the chances I had to see her after her diagnosis; there were always other conflicts. I'm now kicking myself a bit for procrastinating on it. Sometimes, time just runs out, and that's a lesson worth learning.

I don't have any other real insight on that at the moment, but I thought I'd highlight some of my favorite 2010 releases. Thanks to winning a recent sports bet, I've managed to acquire and assimilate a few records. Here are my current favorites in order of descending greatness, along with review links courtest of metacritic.

The National - High Violet
My most-anticipated release of 2010, and the Ohio expats don't disappoint with this batch of introspective rock songs. "The National should give faith to anyone who has become disillusioned with indie music, anyone who misses a time where it didn't seem like all the musicians thought they were better than you and you could actually relate to the damn words they were singing." - sputnikmusic

Four Tet - There Is Love In You
I really haven't gotten into much of Kieran Hedben's work since Rounds, but this bit of laid-back dance music is my current soundtrack for night-time public transport. "... comes off largely as an effortless work, content to just gently glow in its own hazy bliss." - Delusions of Adequacy

Jónsi - Go
Yes, it's the Sigur Rós guy, and the Icelander's solo effort builds on his band's ongoing attempt to add a classical aesthetic to modern rock. "...is a phenomenal record with almost every bar bursting with beauty. It is soulful, fun, naïve and sad in its own fantastical world; if only life really were this good." - musicOMH.com

The Dead Weather - Sea of Cowards
Featuring Jack White and members of the Kills, this band takes everything I like about the White Stripes and makes it much filthier. "Sea Of Cowards, then, is the record The Dead Weather should have come out with first, casting them firmly as a real band, albeit one that sound like they’d roofie their fan club soon as look at them. It’s actually supremely brave and exhilarating." - New Musical Express

Poem: For Connie

2010-05-07T12:20:00.000+01:00

Her hair is the sun

Her eyes are crystal

Her smile heals the world

She knows not of her beauty or power

And that is what makes her strong

She is her own person

And that is what makes her lovable

She is human and knows it

And that is what makes her divine

originally written 4 October 2004, inspired by Connie Diana Pietens (12 Dec 1977 - 7 May 2010)

Everybody Hurts

2010-05-04T19:59:00.004+01:00

I'm not sure how often it comes through my posts, but I have a proclivity for self-hatred. I am often my own worst critic, taking perfectionism to the Nth degree. I've mentioned it in some contexts before and found Michael's feedback very encouraging. There is a part of it that goes beyond striving for excellence, instead seeing success and failure all good and all bad, respectively. Other times, it's just an utter disgust for who I am regardless of all my talents and strengths. Sometimes, it's just never enough.

I had a huge episode of it when I awoke this morning. I drank too much at a birthday barbecue yesterday after having abstained for nearly four weeks after Easter. I was tired and hungover and cursed myself for letting it get out of hand, telling myself over and over again how dysfunctional and immature I am. While working today, I googled self hatred and found some standard material on it, and thanks to a few links (book synopsis, website, et al.) I stumbled onto an epiphany...

The key to self-worth is compassion. Everyone has their set of challenges, and just because yours are probably a bit higher on Maslow's hierarchy doesn't make them any less valid (though that perspective is always helpful). While you are unique, your pain and its source usually isn't. Unwanted feelings happen to everyone for very similar reasons, and accepting them in full will make it easier to release them when the time is right. You are allowed to console yourself after making a mistake. You are wired to make them; that's what it means to be human.

Dear God

2010-05-03T09:45:00.005+01:00

Last night, my new favorite poet posted a question whether atheism is dependent on the existence of God. Her point was that atheists must acknowledge the existence of theism in order to take the opposite stance. A few of her friends made the point that belief in a Higher Power is independent from the Higher Power's actual existence. One of them brought agnosticism into the mix, and I picked it up from there.

...agnositicism often speaks to the truth/knowledge of something where as (a)theism reflects more of a personal stance . The standard agnostic position is the existence of God is unknown or unknowable. Technically, that position can be compatible with both atheism and theism or a stance all its own.

Atheist: "I don't believe God exists. There's not enough empirical evidence to conclusively prove it..."
Theist: "Of course there isn't, and there never will be. That's why belief requires faith!"
Agnostic: "Look we all agree that we just don't know. What's forcing us to make a choice one way or the other?"

...what is required for atheism/agnositicism to exist is the concept of a Higher Power, not necessarily the Higher Power itself. With the concept in place, not believing in its existence will always point to a belief about its existence, whether that belief is atheist (doesn't exist) or agnostic (not known/knowable)... whatever subjective stance one takes, the objective reality doesn't change. What is more important is how one's beliefs effect the relationship with oneself and the rest of the Universe.

Personally, I've had issue with the new (to me) movement of weak atheism. While atheism semantically means a 'lack of belief,' weak atheism uses that as its central definition, removing atheism's personal stance. It also tries to pigeonhole agnosticism into the 'never knowable' space, giving atheism the rest of the unknown realm. One could argue I'm a biased theist, but separating weak atheism from agnosticism just doesn't work for me logically. Then again, Richard Dawkins avoid the term, so maybe I'm onto something.

Play Your Part (Pt. 1)

2010-04-30T17:35:00.000+01:00

I was at the gym this morning, processing thoughts and feelings between weight sets as I'm wont to do. I had an interesting insight on how to better relate to my current crush. One of my hang-ups in this love thing being too attached to getting. When am I going to have a lover/girlfriend/wife? When do I get to be loved? That needy mindset is a really poor basis for a relationship. Various sources (most recent for me, Dr. Margaret Paul) talk about success in relationship being first about giving, then about receiving, and rarely/never about taking. I've used the idea to get to a better emotional space, but other times it comes into conflict with self-care, especially if I've over-committed myself to an activity or organization.

This morning, though, instead of asking what I could do to get a certain lady to like me more, I asked myself "What part can I play in her happiness?" Everything shifted. It's essentially the same point/question as above but phrased in a new way that adds a lot of power for me. I make her laugh (sometimes at my expense), give her an insight or two, and give her my full attention whenever we engage in conversation. Maybe that's enough, even if my preference (vs. want/need/desire) is for something more. I could play that part for someone else who is better suited.

Putting relationships in this context helps can help us realize our real value and impact. We have our standard roles as parent, sibling, son/daughter, employee, spouse, friend. What do each of those roles means to us? What qualities can we attach to them? How does identifying with them enrich our lives? We take multiple roles every day, and they are all imporant. We're not always the hero, and we don't have full creative control over the script or the scene. We can show up, play our part, and trust the other will get exactly what (s)he needs. Keeping this frame of mind takes us out of ourselves, and it creates a powerful space from which to serve.

My Back Pages

2010-04-29T16:26:00.002+01:00

I know I mentioned the book a while back, but I revisited Sasha Cagen's Quirkyalone to gain a different perspective on my current emotional/energetic period. Here's an excerpt that really resonated this week...

"When you are single for a while, you become more attracted to the meanings of uppercase Romantic. Uppercase Romantic is first and foremost about sincerity, but it can take on the meanings of reverie, fantasy, introspection, intuition, and realness. For the quirkyalone there's a power in Romantic yearning - the stolid power in holding out for a vision, feeling a sense of possibility - but there's also a power in not yearning, in feeling self-contained... the Romantic of large-scale emotion that is equally possible in a single state: the romance of walking down the street, being swept away by cheesy songs on your Walkmen when you are very much alone but in the best possible way."

Reading that validated a lot of my experiences around an all-or-nothing relationship mindset, resistance to practice dating, and most especially my tendency to develop romantic obessions (R.O., as Cagen puts it). While there's definite potential for growth and in all those areas, I also find a great comfort that I'm not alone with these processes. There are enough people out there that go through this stuff, and because of that I don't feel as weird or mentally unstable.

One of my recent Romantic moments was indulging my need to hear some crossover pop-jazz, specifically "Angela" by Bob James. My American peers and elders probably best remember it as the theme song to Taxi, which ran when I was the ages of 3 to 7. I remember the show mostly through re-runs, but I forgot how much that song is ingrained into my childhood. Just listening to the flute-solo outro gives me flashbacks of the ending credits and a cab driving off into the night. The thought of it puts a huge smile on my face, and I'm grateful.

Comfortably Numb

2010-04-27T17:51:00.000+01:00

As some who's highly sensitive, I often hold my comfort zone as sacred. One of the things I realized about yesterday's AT lesson and subsequent times I've relaxed is how uncomfortable the new experience is, even if it's in a healthier, more life-affirming place. We are creatures of habit, and acting outside of said habits can feel really awkward. For a lot of sensitives, those feelings are greatly amplified, and a change of pace can really shake things up.

One of the ideas I've explored today about making that sense of discomfort more of a norm. It's not that I shouldn't relax or have my downtime, but whenever uncomfortable feelings show up I can be a bit more present with them and cross-check them against reality. Relaxing brings new sensation and feelings, and there's a lot of fear in that newness. Since I feel unsafe, I look around for anything that could be perceived as a threat. Nothing qualifies. I can check the internal response, be OK with it, and then compare it to what's around me. It's a tough internal/external balance to read sometimes, and I often struggle by going too far into my feelings or ignoring them completely. If I can apply this process to a physical trigger, though, I can also apply it to other challenging areas of my life: conflict with friends or work colleagues, effectively expressing romantic interest in women, et al.

Here's a passage from Robert Elias Najemy that I found really poignant: Evolution by necessity means going where we have not yet been. It cannot be otherwise - or else it would not be evolution. This is true of all aspects of our lives. Freedom for our limited perceptions and life creation requires that we overcome the fear of the unknown and have faith in the benevolent laws and powers of the universe and in our own ability to deal with whatever might occur.

God Lives Through

2010-04-26T16:52:00.005+01:00

I had such a good Alexander Technique lesson today that I've been riled up for most of my work day. It's been really difficult to sit still. The more muscle tension I release, the more I wanted to get up, move and around, and do something physical with the excess energy. I just whipped up this little stream-of-consciousness rant...

I’ve got so much damn energy today. Why is this running around all through me? Why do I feel pent up at this table doing this desk job when I could be out seeing life, taking in everything? Maybe I wasn’t protecting myself from being attacked. Maybe I was trying not to lose myself in the outside world. There are so many visions, sounds, smells, tastes, and sensation out there. I just sit here typing like an idiot, rocking back and forth in my chair. Not really sure what to type next, but the current keeps moving through me. Pushing me forward and upward. What reason is there for all this? What needs to be expressed? Does everybody feel this and try to deny? When we relax we don’t slow down; we catch up to the speed of light and love and all things that are Right and True. God is found here. Somewhere within our own beings is the answer to Everything. We just need to be still and focused enough to find it. Easy? Nope. Not sure what else can be done about it really. Why is the rest of life so ignorant of this? Why does the world play its own rules and forces itself to act in a disconnected matter? This is where real Power is. This is where everyone is trying to get to.

I find it's definitely inline with my mystical/gnostic leaning, and I'm doing my best trying not to make too much sense of it. I had a similar moment last week at the gym: I was deep into a cardio session and felt a bit sore and strained. When I had the idea that God works through me, my pace quickened and a lot of my pain went away, allowing me to endure just a bit more. Whatever your leanings are on personal energy (Holy Spirit, chi, electricity, carbohydrates), I think the same process still applies. Get our "fat, bloated nothingness" out of the way and let our bodies act according to their design. Easy? Not these days, but it's still a worthy goal. It's amazing how our bodies can react to a single thought, and it doesn't have to be a command or suggestion. Sometimes, all it takes is an idea.

Long Division

2010-04-23T17:38:00.001+01:00

Alright, enough complaining about love lives and self-esteem this week. Here's what Facebook stats application said about me:

Colin McGinnis has 985 friends. 437 of them are male, 354 are female, and 194 are confused about their gender. Based on his Facebook profile, Colin has a 93% chance of getting married and is likely to have 5 children over his reproductive years. He will make about $7,564,285 in his life and pay $2,269,286 in taxes. In Colin's life, he will have spent 28 years sleeping, and 546 hours on the toilet. He will probably live to be about 92 years old. 887 people will attend his funeral with 6 of them expecting some kind of inheritance.

I got a good laugh from it... and needed it.

Love Rollercoaster

2010-04-21T20:26:00.002+01:00

I've been up and down in my heartspace the past few weeks. This morning after my cardio workout, I feel bright, inspired, and attractive. As the day wore on, I slowly dipped into a funk. I needed something (as opposed to some person) to pick me up again, and I found this bit of wisdom from Dr. Claire Weekes' book Self-Help for your Nerves.

"It is well to remember that none of us depends entirely on another for our happiness, although we may think we do. It is not person we love that is responsible for the depth of our feeling. This feeling is a part of ourselves, is our capacity to love and it stays with us despite our misfortune... You still have a great capacity for love and it is possible to love someone else as much, perhaps even more..."

"Great capacity for love" really resonated with me and gave me a new perspective on the strong romantic feelings I've had for most of my adult life. I've discovered that those feelings aren't completely based in dependence. There's a core motive to give and support. There's an urge to help another realize how great and amazing she (in my case) is. There's a desire to share oneself in a way that no one can sense or appreciate. It's all there; it can just get caught up in emotional junk and warped viewpoints. Reading the above passage not only reminded me how huge that space is inside me, but it stabilized a lot of the feelings I had lately. I'm grateful for the awareness and hope to make the phrase a regular mantra. It reminds me of a quote from a different type of genius (thanks to my friend Freya, who has this on her Facebook page)...

"Use your heart to love somebody. And if it's big enough - use it to love everybody." -Stevie Wonder, Oct '08

I Can't Explain

2010-04-20T18:14:00.000+01:00

It would be nice to not start every other post with an apology for not posting more often, but I think it's warranted today after two more days "off." Life continues to be busy, and I suppose we all have a lot on our respective plates. Work is picking up, and I'm busy on the theater front with rehearsals and admin tasks. I've been making it to the gym and getting a bit more toned. I also fall into my habits of brooding over some of my usual crap. Overall, though, I've got a direction and motivation... it's just finding the right balance. Thanks for taking the time to drop in every once in a while and catch up with me.

My mom and I chat nearly every weekday on MSN, and we talk a lot about spiritual/emotional growth and the ups and downs therein. Many of our recent chats focused on how much someone's upset is created by that particular person vs. someone else. You can put a few different takes on it: two that resonate with me are highly sensitives absorbing someone else's junk and Carl Jung's idea of the collective unconscious. Obviously, standard psychotherapy focuses on an individual's upbrining and past events, and there's a lot of value in that. Mom and I are just adding another layer and getting some good insight from it, especially for instances where the emotional and intellectual reactions are a complete mismatch.

One way this idea leads me to a stuck point is being attached to identifying its source. "OK, well, if this feeling isn't mine, then whose is it?" It's as if I feel obligated to give the feeling back to its rightful owner. These days, I'm so sure that's the case. If you buy into the collective idea, this approach becomes very impractical. Emotions are meant to be recognized and expressed constructively. Analyzing your state is probably a lot less important than accepting it here and now. That said, though, if you catch yourself having a stronger-than-expected reaction to something, ask yourself if it's really yours. Maybe the feeling will dissipate or change. Maybe it won't. It's fine either way.

Dig

2010-04-17T16:38:00.005+01:00

I went out last night, celebrating a friend's birthday at a local karaoke. The pub's regulars are into their oldies and country music, so my rendition of System of a Down's "Chop Suey!" raised a few eyebrows. Things went energetically downhill from there as the rest of us didn't feel very inspired in song selection or performace. After a friend and I joined up for a duet of "Love Shack," we quickly vacated the premises and tried our hand at a new, unusual hobby...

Geocaching is a treasure hunting game requiring a mobile device with GPS and the gaming software. When you start the app, you'll see a list of nearby caches, each containing a logbook, pen/pencil, and possibly extra bits of goodness. By selecting one, you'll see the cache's location on a map, so you can work your way towards it. The cache isn't always an easy find, but it's always worth writing your name in the logbook, trading out the treasure, and putting it back for the next person. We went to three different sites, all within a mile of each other, and found two caches between 11:30 pm and 1am last night. Who says people can't have good, clean fun these days?

When I look back on the experience, it reminds me of how much we may not know the area around us. What little secret joys are right around the corner? How far do we really need to travel to find a place (or person) that will bring about a pleasant experience? Maybe we don't even need to leave our house or speak to anybody else. Maybe we can find something inside ourselves, but we never bother to look.

A Change Is Gonna Come

2010-04-16T18:16:00.000+01:00

Apologies for the lack of contact this week, dear readers. I've finished the first half of my productivity course, and have been doing a daily practice of listing all my "must do" activities and analyzing/prioritizing them. There's also the additional benefit of paying attention to actions that save/waste time and energy, and that gives me the opportunity to realize what works (or doesn't work) for me personally. As a result of all this, I have gotten a lot accomplished in the past few days. I now think of them as "admin" per someone's brilliant comment a few weeks back. I've noticed there really anything in the system to support recurring daily goals like exercise, drinking enough water, or posting on this blog! I've worked around it a bit, so hopefully I can keep regular posting in practice.

I've also noticed that by taking care of things that are sources of stress/anxiety/depression, it frees up both time and energy to work on things that really excited. I had a big backlog of work and theatre admin, and I'll probably work late tonight and into Saturday to catch up on the rest. I'm OK with that, though. I'm still going out tonight, and Saturday evening and Sunday should be both free for relaxing, gaming, or other projects. Even if I do need to get more work done, I can see where it's taking me in the big picture and am aware it won't last forever (at least in this form).

Along the lines of passion and mission, I'm holding a long-term goal of writing the first draft of a book. I'll probably be leveraging a lot of the posts here for content, but hopefully it's organized and supplemented in a way that benefits as many people as possible. Onward and upward.

The In Crowd

2010-04-13T22:22:00.000+01:00

I bought an iPhone on Friday but couldn't use my old number right away. Since a contract is required with a purchase, I selected a pay-as-you-go scheme and filled out the unlock request form. The Apple store associate claimed it can take up to two weeks to process, but my phone unlocked today within three days of application. I don't know how much more money using 3G will cost me under the corporate plan, but I'm really enjoying the benefits so far.

I announced my purchase today on Facebook and Twitter (using downloaded apps, of course) and subsequently received at least ten "welcome to the club" comments in the first two hours. It's almost a clique. I'm sure many future pub session will revolve around new apps and the coolest things we've learned about it. I've been using this properly for less than a day, and I am already wondering how I lived without it. Actually, I remember quite vividly, though I go back to my amazement about how quickly technology advances. These changes bring a lot of potential power to individuals, groups, corporations, and government. I only hope our collective sense of responsibility can keep up.

Happiness Is a Warm Gun

2010-04-11T10:32:00.000+01:00

Homegirl shared an interesting breakthrough with me recently. I'll let her tell the story:

...as a kid I was terrified of guns. My dad is a retired cop & used to leave his on a footstool (albeit unloaded) & would always carry it on him. Used to scare the crap out of me! [A friend of mine] shoots in competitions. Yesterday, he took me to the gun range to conquer my fear. Yikes!

We walk in & every hillbilly in the joint stares at me, probably because I looked like a deer in headlights! THEN, add the ear protecting headset & the louder than hell noise! This was all before walking into the shooting room, mind you. Then we went in. GOOD LORD! We had an hour slot to shoot & the first half of it was me jumping out of my skin from the noise & casings flying. He decided to rent me one of the guns that didn't make me flinch when it went off. He showed me how to hold it, how to load the clip and what everything was on it. He made me do it myself. STILL was terrified!

Finally, I decided if I didn't do it, I would regret it. I picked it up, aimed and shot. I sucked & shot the metal wires holding my target paper. LOL! Then he showed me how to aim at what I wanted to hit. I KILLED IT!!! (You HAVE to see my pics from it I posted!) He stood there with his mouth hanging open! He said in all his competition years, he's NEVER seen anybody do that well their first time. EVER! GO ME!!!

Here's my logic...shooting a gun is symbolic in life. It was a fear of mine & I stood in the face of fear. I could have either walked out of the room or dealt with it. I didn't do it right the first time, but when I tried again, I nailed it! Kinda symbolic, right?! Yesterday was a huge day for me. I didn't go to bed until 4am last night because I couldn't stop thinking about it & staring at my target papers. I conquered something I was terrified of & now I love it. How ironic...

Her pics are very impressive, and I've made a mental note to not upset her any time soon. Whether or not you approve of recreational shooting, the message here translates to any challenge you have. Go until you hit a wall, whatever that is. Recognize it, and figure out a way around or through it.

Clarity

2010-04-10T18:28:00.003+01:00

Last night, I traveled to Milton Keynes, roughly 60 miles from my flat, to attend a special poetry night. When I first learned the night's sinful theme, I signed up for the open mic event and wrote a fitting poem. There were a lot of talented people in attendance: a few featured musicians and poets, my fellow open mic performers, and the poetry "slam" competitors. The slam contestants subjected themselves to a judging panel and were eliminated round-by-round until one stood victorious.

Unfortunately, I couldn't stay for the entire evening, but I got my piece in and enjoyed everyone else's work. During the interval, the eventual slam champion approached me, saying how much she enjoyed my poem. She commented on how real it was and the energy I put into my performance, and we had a really nice chat about family, living out of town, and being a foreigner in the UK. It was probably the highest compliment I could have hoped for that evening especially given its source. Her work is amazing. I also got some great feedback from one of the compéres, whom I saw perform in London roughly a month ago. Her work is also amazing.

What was even more encouraging, though, was my feeling of wholeness after doing my piece. All the stress and anxiety I had this week went away, and I was able to remain calm when thinking about their source. I was back on target, realizing my purpose and potential. I gained a felt sense of what I knew rationally: I am here to write, and I am here to speak. Right now, the details of where that takes me aren't as important as making each of those activities a regular practice. The blog helps as does my theatre commitments, but there is nothing compared to sharing your own creation, knowing it resonated with at least one kindred spirit.

Poem (Explicit): Original Sin

2010-04-10T00:57:00.001+01:00

And so it was in lush, green Eden

The good Lord decreed

That Man be joined with a partner

And that partner is Woman

The perfect complement

The opposite that attracts

The receiver that gives

The servant that rules

It was in this perfection

That the First Man and First Woman

Became One Flesh for All Eternity

And so begins our story…

Story? You want a story? Here’s one.

Boy Meets Girl. Boy Fucks Girl.

Girl Has Kid. Boy Fucks Off.

Leaving behind a wrecked home

Housing shattered lives

A heart that was once swollen with joy

Now bursts in despair and turns colds from the stares

Of those eyes that tear at her and her child

Saying what mouths dare not:

Whore. Bastard. Sinner.

Her bitterness grows like a bamboo tree,

Underground for years until one day

The seed’s hard work pays off

And the anger breaks ground

For all the world to see.

And so Paul’s letter glided

Across crystal-clear blue waters to Corinth

The Church there already knew its sins

But thankfully Paul spelled them out

For their benefit as well as ours.

He speaks of arrogance, pettiness,

Jealousy, greed, hedonism, and

Most of all, infidelity.

Infidelity? OK, listen to this:

Boy Meets Girl. Boy Loves Girl.

Girl Leaves Boy. “Hey, New Girl!”

Boy Weds Girl. Has Some Kids.

Some Years Pass. “Who’s That Girl?”

Boy Leaves Wife. Weds Next Girl.

Has More Kids. More Years Pass.

First Girl’s Back. Boy Leaves Wife.

True Love Wins! Or Does It?

What happens when the kids

Lose any sense of relationship and commitment?

What do you talk about at a Christmas dinner

With two ex-wives and a bunch of half-siblings?

What happens if, after all that,

Your true love leaves you?

Paul talks of marriage as a duty

A way to both assume and concede authority

A commitment transcending convenience

And differences in faith

It is written in God’s design

That one man and one woman unite.

To be divorced is to be damned

In the eyes of the Most High.

Look upon yourselves as God would…

No, you look at me, Reverend.

I am your Shining Light.

An elder of this Church

And your closest confidant.

I am unclean.

I am a product of second marriages and loose morals.

My blood is tainted by lustful men

Who walked this scorched Earth before me.

What hope do I have to be loved?

To be adored and nurtured?

To attract a wife? To stay faithful?

I love Jesus, but He can’t save me.

Reverend, you’ve created a Heavean

That has no place for me.

Is there even room for you there?

Press On

2010-04-08T18:24:00.000+01:00

I've been in interesting mood set this week, oscillating between a calm, all-loving center and a depressed sense of isolation. I'm not really sure what that's about. I've got a lot going on with work and theater stuff (both rehearsals and admin), so that stress might be taking its toll. Not sure if I can add much to more to the conversation than what I said last Saturday, but I suppose I'm in process.

From an objective point of view, it's been a pretty good day. I hadn't done a serious cardio session this year. Today, I managed 45 minutes, 30 of them at 85% max heart rate, and burned 700 calories. Some of that will be gained back my the chocolate my mom sent me for Easter, but I was grateful to finally get her package today. As I was out on Tuesday during the initial delivery attempt, the parcel company sent the package to a post office that was neither the largest nor the closest in my area. How does that work?

I often speak to my mom online about days that I don't feel productive at the office, and she reminded me how relative that can feel. Even if I'm on a low day for me, it could still be better than many people's. That idea gained some traction today through my (much delayed) work appraisal. My manager recognized my recent accomplishments, reinforced how much value I was adding, and suggested ways to make a greater impact. In looking back over the twelve years I've worked since graduating from college, I realize how blessed my career path has been. I get interesting and challenging assignments and work with/for good people. It's a pretty good gig. I've received a few "spot" awards recently, which is a small cash stipend to buy myself a treat. I will likely put the money toward an iPhone. Any fans out there?

Connection

2010-04-06T17:02:00.000+01:00

This will be a short and sweet post as I'm posting from a pub in central Croydon that has wi-fi My friend just arrived, and we're off to dinner and drinks in town. Even though I work in IT, I'm just amazed at all the conveniences technology has given us in the past 15 years: Faster international communication, wireless networks, watching television programming on your PC, using a mobile and PC interchangably. Granted, there are still a lot of people in this world who are happy just to have a meal, so it's relative and gives us another opportunity to be grateful. As a first-world causcasian, I think it's a great time to be alive.

Can We Start Again Please?

2010-04-05T16:31:00.000+01:00

I trust everyone who celebrates Easter enjoyed themselves yesterday. Christ may have risen, but I slept in until noon after staying up until 5am watching basketball. I also went out with friends last night, so I'm feeling a bit mellow at the moment. I've still managed to get some work done, so I feel pretty productive. Looking forward to a relaxing night in.

Easter is loaded with symbols of new beginning, whether it's the Resurrection story or the natural awakening of spring (I love Eddie Izzard's attempt to connect the two). It reminds us that we can start each day... maybe even each moment... fresh with a blank slate. We can always choose which thoughts deserve focus and lead to action. It is the perfect time for change. I'll moving to a muscle definition phase of my gym workouts and plan to lower my junk food and alcohol intake. What changes are you making?

I find it ironic that Western culture tends to encourage change through resolutions at the beginning of the calendar year, when the northern hemisphere is in the dead of winter. Nature is dormant; shouldn't we be as well? I was told once that indigenous Eskimos don't suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder despite not seeing the sun for months. The key is that the purposely minimize their activity during those darker periods. They move with cycles of nature instead of fighting against them. Lent has its place as a time of restraint and reflection, but I wonder if it would help to apply those ideas when the rest of the world around us isn't moving. Maybe Lent and New Year's should trade places.

Fitter Happier

2010-04-03T15:34:00.000+01:00

Apologies for not posting yesterday. Even though this four-day weekend feels like a mini-vacation, I'm still splitting time between the gym, Stagers projects, simpleology lessons, and Mass Effect 2. I'll be up late tonight watching the Final Four and going out to an 80s club with some friends tomorrow night. I bought a mess of supplements yesterday as I'm switching my gym routine from muscle mass to definition. Hopefully, I'll see some results between now and the end of May. No rest for the wicked.

Even away from the usual work routine, all the same negative self-talk creeps in from time to time: not feeling productive enough, pining for a dream lover, and wanting to do things "the right way." At this point, it's just a practice of recognizing it without making it mean anything. We aren't our thoughts; we are products the thoughts that receive the most attention. It's good to be aware of what goes through your head, but cross-check it against reality. Does it fit with your experience? If not, let it go. If so, go with it and see where it takes you, whether it's a desire to improve or gratitude for the present... or both.

Walk the Line

2010-04-01T21:33:00.001+01:00

...was the best song title I could remember that went against the blog's logo. Call it an esoteric (but not very funny) April Fool's joke. We're probably all better off if I just leave the humor to sites like the Onion, so I'll post some recent favorites.

Shots Of Indianapolis Skyline To Depress Nation During Final Four Broadcast
Everyone Outraged Catholic Priest Did That Thing Everyone Jokes About
Rich Guy Feeling Left Out of Recession
Report: $14 Trillion Spent Annually On Trying To Look Cool
Report: No One At White Castle Wants To Make Friends
If You Put Your Mind To It You Can Believe Anything
Man Plans Special Weekend To Reaffirm Commitment To Xbox 360
Man From Future Can't Stop Living In The Less-Far-Into-The-Future
Good Night's Sleep Changes Nothing
Sometimes, Area Woman Just Feels...
Local Neurotic To Undergo Invasive 32,000-Hour-Long Therapy Procedure

And, finally, a hint for those of you who have seen my cryptic Twitter/Facebook status today and want to figure it out: Binary ^ 6.

The Switch

2010-03-31T17:50:00.000+01:00

So, in spite of the little boosts I got yesterday, I was pretty down for most of today. Even the usual endorphin rush from the gym couldn't flush the down feelings. I brooded about commitment and peer relationships, moving from depression to anger and back again. When I got back to my flat and checked my email, I saw that a certain someone made a certain comment, and my entire day was transformed. I was feeling happy, loved, worthwhile, and joyous. Just one little boost from the outside changed how I felt about everything, and I was (and still am) grateful to said person. It made much more impact than would be apparent.

I suppose there are a few different ways to look at this. The inner critic is naturally going to jump onto how I'm letting the actions of others dictate how I feel, and I suppose that's true to a point. Some of that is required for any sense of empathy, and as Vics commented high sensitivity can be quite a gift. We can also consider this influence as a two-way street. If a gesture that small made a big difference to us, how much are we impacting others without realizing it? What if a simple smile or kind word really changes someone's mood? What if all those little things add up? Keep that in mind as you go about our day and interact people important to you.

Catching Up

2010-03-30T18:50:00.000+01:00

Happy Tuesday, all. We now return to our regularly scheduled program of day-to-day thoughts and reflections. Life keeps moving along with work and musical rehearsals. I started a free online productivity course over the weekend, and it's provided a few good reminders so far. I've also managed a few nights out with friends over the past week, catching up over good food and drink. There is certainly a lot in life to enjoy.

Yesterday was a pretty interesting exercise in presence. I went to my old office for a day-long work meeting. While it was very productive, a few colleagues expressed displeasure about a project with which I'm currently involved. Their points were absolutely valid, and I admitted to not having a lot of answers. I sensed everyone appreciated my honesty, but I just had a nagging sense I should have done more. Later in the evening, I went to a theater committee meeting, which was also very productive. Nevertheless, I was agitated by a few of the exchanges: some of them revolved around open tasks I had.

In both cases yesterday, that same sense of "not enough" showed up, and I probably took people's comments personally. I think people in the West (particularly gifted individuals) tend to identify themselves with their achievements: 'who I am' is 'what I do.' There's a fine line between committing to excellence and perfectionism; the latter lacks an acceptance of things as they are. As a reader commented, there's always a way to take what you don't like and transform it into a learning opportunity. It is possible to acknowledge your feelings and still act toward improvement. I'll be catching up on some tasks this evening and hopefully have some decompress time before bed. Even just posting today gives me a little dopamine hit and sense of accomplishment, so thanks for that.

Desert Island Disc #1: Sugar 'Copper Blue'

2010-03-27T19:53:00.001Z

Well, this has been a pretty fun ride, kids. Thanks for joining me on it. In scanning the review quotes and my own reflections, some common themes seem to pop up: influence/fondness of friends and family, personal integrity, finding something new in what's happened before, standing out from the crowd. Sounds like a powerful and dynamic way to live. I'll keep aspiring to it...

Sugar
Copper Blue
[Rykodisc; 1992]

"How ironic that after years fronting the hugely influential but desperately overlooked Hüsker Dü, Bob Mould's first project with new band Sugar, 1992's Copper Blue, would become the most commercially successful project of his career. Of course, it was released just as the seeds sown by his former band were bearing bountiful fruits in the post-Nirvana alternative nation, which provided ample explanation for its phenomenal success. But Sugar were well deserving of their success, regardless of time and place. A more aggressive, contemporary guitar attack aside, stunning power punk masterpieces like "The Act We Act," "The Slim," and "Fortune Teller" bear all of the vintage Mould musical traits: tell-tale lyrics, great hooks, and snappy melodies. It's all underpinned by that unexplainable, chilling tension between innocent beauty and dark melancholy that fans came to expect from Mould, and topped by his somewhat nasal, almost timid vocal harmonies." - Stephen Thomas Erlewine & Ed Rivadavia, All Music Guide

When my brother came over to stay for the weekend in the mid-80s, I would browse through his cassette case and not recognize a single band. I noticed that most of the records were on some label called SST. The Minutemen seemed like a pretty cool name, but what did Hüsker Dü mean (was it German?). Besides, who the hell was Black Flag anyway? I was too young to appreciate them at the time, but as I grew into high school I followed their descendants quite closely. Henry Rollins, Black Flag's lead singer, fronted his own band, toured internationally with a stand-up/storytelling act, and to this day remains an idol of mine. Bob Mould from Hüsker Dü released a few solo albums before forming Sugar in the early 90s. A high school friend lent me Copper Blue, and it grabbed me on first listen.

In their brief existence, Sugar created the perfect combination of aggression and melody. Each track on Copper Blue should be turned up to 11, if only to ensure the vocal line sticks in your head for the next week. "Helpless" begs to be played in a car cruising along the open road. The album's biggest single, "If I Can't Change Your Mind," developed enough of a cult following to have a karaoke track recorded 17 years after its release. Critics will argue their case for better records released in the early 90s and within alternative rock, but Copper Blue is still my all-time favorite.

My defining memory of this album is driving through Chicago with my brother in 1993. I was visiting him for a summer weekend having just graduated from high school. He picked me up at the airport. The car top was down, and the summer sun mercilessly pummeled us as we drove toward the city skyline. He put the album on, and we sang all the lyrics from memory. It was at that point I realized my taste had finally caught up to his, and I was grateful.

Desert Island Disc #2: DJ Shadow 'Endtroducing...'

2010-03-27T18:46:00.004Z

DJ Shadow
Endtroducing....
[Mo' Wax; 1996]

"This recording is built entirely from fragmented pieces of other records. When it was released, in late 1996, sampling had been part of hip-hop production for a long while, but few in the genre approached it the way Josh Davis (aka DJ Shadow) did... Davis approaches each piece the way a pop song-writer would, seeking to communicate specific ideas or foster introspection, while transporting listeners into astonishing detailed sound-scapes. His "Midnight in a Perfect World" aspires to an idealized vision of place. His multipart "What Does Your Soul Look Like" ponders that big question across a sumptuous open canvas." - Tom Moon's 1,000 Recordings to Hear Before You Die

"What resonated about Endtroducing... when it was released in 1996, and what makes it still resonate today, is the way in which it loosens itself from the mooring of the known and sails off into an uncharted territory that seems to exist both in and out of time. DJ Shadow is not only a master sampler and turntablist supreme, he is a serious archaeologist with a world-thirsty passion... for seeking out, uncovering and then ripping apart, the discarded graces of some other generation and weaving them back together into a tapestry of chronic bleakness and beauty." - Eliot Wilder, author of Endtroducing... for Continumm's 33 1/3 series

Due to college radio involvement, I discovered College Media Journal (CMJ) whose main task was compiling charts charts to represent collegiate airplay across the country. College radio earned a reputation for playing newer, fresher music, so I quickly used their charts as a reference for personal purchases and my own radio show. Endtroducing... was still getting a lot of airplay in early 1997, months after its initial purchase. I bit the bullet and was instantly transported to a swirling percussive landscape covered by an ominous sky; the Metallica and Twin Peaks samples didn't hurt either. The disc was quickly passed around my fraternity house as friends with different backgrounds and tastes all found something they could appreciate it.

This is my default nomination for best album ever. I make a distinction between 'best' and 'favorite' as the former implies a more objective stance. By being completely sample-based, the album challenged the music industry status quo and raised a number of pertinent questions: Does "making music" require a live recording or conventional instruments? Should copying a sound be considered plagiarism if it's no longer tracable to the original source? Because a track is essentially a musical college of others' work, is the end result any less creative? Endtroducing... contains some of the most expressive, thought-provoking, and spirit-raising music I've ever heard, and it's probably the most evolutionary release of my lifetime.

Desert Island Disc #3: Beth Orton 'Trailer Park'

2010-03-27T17:58:00.001Z

Beth Orton
Trailer Park
[Dedicated / Arista; 1996]

"Beth Orton’s first album was born out of going out and staying in, of love, late nights and mornings after. It referenced Rickie Lee Jones, Bobbie Gentry, Joni Mitchell; the girl groups of the early ’60s, the twisted pop of the late ’60s. There were those who deemed it the perfect post-club comedown album. But it was so much more." - Miranda Sawyer, liner notes of Trailer Park Legacy Edition

"Fusing the plaintive emotional power of the singer/songwriter tradition with the distanced cool of trip-hop rhythms, Orton creates a fresh, distinct, and surprisingly organic sound without obvious precedent; blessed with a warm, ethereal voice... she shifts gears with remarkable ease, the depth and clarity of her unique perspective connecting even the most disparate tracks together into a unified whole. Simply put, Trailer Park is one of the most promising and innovative debuts of its era." - Jason Ankeny, All Music Guide

I first heard of Beth Orton through my best friend, Andrew. We met during my first year of college, I was rushing his fraternity, and when he first met he complemented me on my mixture of Western (cross) and Eastern (yin-yang) symbols on my jewelry. He then proceeded to say a rude comment about the Western one, and we've been friends ever since. He graduated during my third year, and we lost touch for a while. After getting my degree, I moved to Denver for work and received a call from Andrew one evening welcoming me to the neighborhood. As it turned out, he was living forty miles away in Boulder, Colorado. We proceeded to spend a lot of quality time together, and I introduced him to his wife. He promised me he'd return the favor, but I'm not holding my breath. The logistics are a bit trickier when you're an ocean away.

Andrew lent me Trailer Park after seeing Orton perform live, and it didn't grab me right away. Orton's second and most-acclaimed album, Central Reservation, released while Andrew and I were both in Colorado. I had "Stolen Car" on an advance sampler, and it hooked me right in. I bought it the album on its release date and listened to it non-stop for months. I grew a pretty hard crush on her which remains to this day; she's just so elfin and cute! After buying the rest of her catalog, Trailer Park grew on me more and more. The trip-hop beats of "Tangent" juxtapose wonderfully with the light pop of "Somebody's Daughter." Her voice is equally home in both places, and her lyrics are both profound and quirky. She comes across as an old friend with whom you could lose hours at a restaurant or coffee shop, just like Andrew and I did ten years ago.

Desert Island Disc #4: John Coltrane 'Blue Train'

2010-03-26T16:04:00.002Z

John Coltrane
Blue Train
[Blue Note; 1957]

"Those who knew John Coltrane (1926–1967) speak of him as a principled man who kept his word and tried—even through an extended addiction to heroin, which he finally conquered in the late '50s—to do the right thing. This incandescent set might be cited as proof... In 1957, Coltrane signed with Prestige Records, and though Blue Note had apparently forgotten about [their] handshake deal, Coltrane hadn't. He honored the commitment with this album—recorded in a day...." - Tom Moon's 1000 Recording to Hear Before You Die

"John Coltrane said that this was his favorite record — of his own... It was his first great record as a leader. It is a record which he never surpassed during this particular period... He went from what you would hear if you went back and listened to that [Thelonious] Monk's Music record on Riverside, to this open, lyrical, fantastically developed style. All of a sudden John Coltrane had his voice. All of a sudden John Coltrane was able to take one or two ideas during the course of a solo and evolve those — a fantastic musical development. I do compare it to Johann Sebastian Bach, in the way the melodic line just keeps opening and opening and opening." A.B. Spellman, National Public Radio's Basic Jazz Library

I grew up on jazz. Mom's radio station of choice was WJZZ, playing smooth crossover stuff like Bob James (the Taxi theme guy) and George Benson. I played bass for my high school's jazz band. Naturally, I liked the funkier stuff for the challenge and attention (Stanley Clarke FTW), but even the walking lines were a lot of fun to play.

When I was in college, my dad gave my mom Playboy's 40th anniversary box set, which had everything from Coltrane to Kenny G. The 1953-1963 disc was a great introduction to hard bop icons like Mingus, Thelonious Monk, and Miles Davis. I liked the box set so much I ended up buying my own copy with Christmas money. The following Christmas, my brother and parents combined to give me select discs from their favorite artists, and Blue Train was in the mix. My brother sat me down and played the opening title track for me straightaway and went on for at least two minute about how sublime the introduction's piano chords are. Every time I've listened to it since, I know how absolutely right he was.

When it comes to Coltrane, A Love Supreme tends to get a lot more critical praise, and "Giant Steps" may be his signature track. If anything, Blue Train is a classic case of my point-of-entry bias. One I hear an album by a given artist, I compare anything I subsequently hear to it. There's nothing else for me that beats the opening piano chord in "Blue Train" or Lee Morgan's trumpet solo in "Locomotion." As Blue Train is Coltrane's coming of age and also his own personal favorite, I can comfort myself knowing my bias put me in very select company.

Desert Island Disc #5: Metallica 'Master of Puppets'

2010-03-25T16:54:00.004Z

Metallica
Master of Puppets
[Elektra; 1986]

"It may be hard to believe, but before Napster and group therapy tarnished their lustre, Metallica were once the driving force behind the reinvention of heavy metal. This, their third album, was what put them there - an hour-long masterclass in punishing riffing without a tantrum in sight." - The Guardian's 1000 Albums to Hear Before You Die

"Nearly every song on Master of Puppets deals with the fear of powerlessness. Sometimes they're about hypocritical authority (military and religious leaders), sometimes primal, uncontrollable human urges (drugs, insanity, rage), and, in true H.P. Lovecraft fashion, sometimes monsters. Yet by bookending the album with two slices of thrash mayhem ("Battery" and "Damage, Inc."), the band reigns triumphant through sheer force -- of sound, of will, of malice. The arrangements are thick and muscular, and the material varies enough in texture and tempo to hold interest through all its twists and turns. Some critics have called Master of Puppets the best heavy metal album ever recorded; if it isn't, it certainly comes close." - Steve Huey, All Music Guide

As a child of the 80s, I grew up worshipping Casey Kasem and Billboard's singles chart. From rock's perspective, that meant a lot of hair bands like Europe, Whitesnake, and Cinderella. My brother (with a little help from Guns 'N' Roses) eventually saved me from all of that, and the first hint was when he named his Roadwar 2000 gang "Damage, Inc." citing Master of Puppets' last track. He still tells the story about playing it on his car stereo when I was 11 or 12: I was apparently flabbergasted not only by the music's ferocity but James Hetfield singing the F-word. I have no recollection of that moment, and I really didn't get into Metallica on my own until I bought ...And Justice for All on cassette a few years later.

Heavy metal makes a strong case for being the most technically challenging form of popular music. Metallica helped pushed metal from its original blues base to a much stronger classical sensibility. Their fast tempos and quick rhythms require a ridiculous amount of precision, and throwing mixed-meter phrases into the mix doesn't make things any easier. Current metal bands such as Opeth and Mastodon have few peers in terms of performance ability and compsition skill. Add guitar distortion and personal lyrics, and you create an experience that is both aggressive and cathartic, both raw and refined, both anarchic and traditional. Master of Puppets holds that space perfectly. Best. Metal. Album. Ever.

Desert Island Disc #6: Son Volt 'Trace'

2010-03-24T16:36:00.001Z

Son Volt
Trace
[Warner Brothers; 1995]

"Throughout Son Volt's debut, Trace, the group reworks classic honky tonk and rock & roll, adding a desperate, determined edge to their performances. Even when they rock out, there is a palpable sense of melancholy to [Jay] Farrar's voice, which lends a poignancy to the music." - Stephen Thomas Erlewine, All Music Guide

Of all the major Western music genres, country was the one to which I was most resistant. I enjoyed artists like David Allen Coe for the comedic value, but I really couldn't take an artist named Merle Haggard or George Strait seriously. I started opening to it in college after hearing Dwight Yoakam's cover of the Grateful Dead's "Truckin'." I had a weekly spot on a student radio station, "Route" was on our playlist once Trace released. After playing the driving rock track on my show, I was hooked on the sound, bought the album, and warmed up to the album's twang very quickly.

The album's presence in my life grew over a number of years: a State College, PA acoustic performer added "Windfall" to his repetoire; a Denver, CO karaoke jock added "Drown" to his songbook (I never sang it); "Too Early" became the perfect soundtrack for romantic pining in South London. Jay Farrar's lyrics create striking images that are fleshed out by a hard-working ethos often associated with both punk and country, Farrar's two genres of choice. A lot of people prefer his prior "cowpunk" band, Uncle Tupelo, or former Tupelo bandmate Jeff Tweedy (Wilco, et al.), and both artists certainly have a lot of great material. I keep going back to Trace, though, as it exemplifies everything I like about country-rock.

Desert Island Disc #7: A Tribe Called Quest 'Midnight Marauders'

2010-03-23T16:53:00.006Z

A Tribe Called Quest
Midnight Marauders
[Jive; 1993]

"Heralded as one of the charter members of the conscious rap compendium collectively known as the Native Tongues, A Tribe Called Quest rose to the upper echelon of the industry through their accessible grip on the conveyance of modern problems. They discussed the social ramifications of the N-word, detailed the myriad possibilities in late-night New York, pontificated on various strategies of attracting the opposite sex, and managed to confuse the practical definition of gravity, all while informing the listener of their vast superiority to their peers... Further developing the low end sound that made them famous, ATCQ collectively produced a jazz-hop clinic... Their natural use of hard drums and smooth samples were par for the course... In combining extremes and extrapolating their original concepts, ATCQ made an album suitable for both city driving and sexual encounters." - Rollie Pemberton, Pitchfork's Top 100 Albums of the '90s

My entire experience with hip-hop has been a very white, suburban one. When I first heard Run DMC's cover of "Walk This Way," my mind was completely blown away by the turntable scratches and people talking in time over rock music. I asked my parents to by me Raising Hell shortly thereafter, and rap's contact point for the rest of the 80s was the Beastie Boys. Ice-T blew a few doors open when I saw him in 1991, and Original Gangster walks the perfect balance of telling gangster stories without glorifying the lifestyle. It also lacked the G-Funk synth lines that ruined most of Dr. Dre's material for me.

Tribe will always be my hip-hop artist of choice. Their jazz-rap impacted everything I've liked since (Jurassic 5, Blackalicious, Madvillain). Most fans go for The Low End Theory, and "Scenario" is a fantastic track from that. For me, I just can't get over how something as accessible as "Award Tour" matches up with something as lazy and dirty as "Electric Relaxation." Midnight Marauders was a breath of fresh air in a mainstream rap scene dominated by violence and misogyny. In the end, "God Lives Through."

Update (24 March): Younger dance music fans may recognize Q-Tip's voice from the Chemical Brother's 2005 hit "Galvanize." It's great to know he's still getting work.

Desert Island Disc #8: Fugazi '13 Songs'

2010-03-22T17:51:00.006Z

After rehearsal yesterday, I had a quick catch-up with feebs at the pub, and she mentioned thinking of me while listening to Desert Island Discs. During this Radio 4 program, guests share songs from each of the eight discs they would take to a desert island. I took a writing course in high school, and the teacher assigned a DID project with ten albums and a quick one-line summary, but the premise of it was exactly the same.

Feebs correlated people's disc selections with their personalities and thought processes; she noticed how what they chose reflected who they were. This sense of sharing and reflecting upon oneself is what she likes the most about my blog, and I'm honored to have made such a profound impression on someone I met less than two months ago.

From that conversation, I decided to post my top eight albums, one per day, for a change of pace. Hopefully, readers who know me from a certain forum will find added value in the blurbs. Feel free to share your own thoughts my albums or provide your own list.

Fugazi
13 Songs
[Dischord; 1990]

"In Britain, the [Sex] Pistols and the Clash begat [Public Image Limited] and Gang of Four; in the US, Minor Threat and Black Flag begat Fugazi. The 'post-hardcore' tag is clumsy, but useful: here was a more musically complex, thematically broader strain of boiling-point punk, with a fascinating split-personality playoff between Ian MacKaye's adrenalised anthems and Guy Picciotto's artsy flounce." - The Guardian's 1000 Albums to Hear Before You Die

"If history is kind to Fugazi, their records won't be overshadowed by their reputation and methods of operation... the four-piece created some of the most intelligent, invigorating, and undeniably musical post-hardcore rock & roll. Along with their stridently underground ethics... they gained an extremely loyal and numerous global following. To many, Fugazi meant as much to them as Bob Dylan did to their parents... More than anything, Fugazi inspired; they showed that art can prevail over commerce." - Andy Kellman, All Music Guide

Jack Black and Kyle Gass, Tenacious D: JB: "Before we do anything, we ask ourselves 'What would Fugazi do?" KG: "And then we charge twice as much." - CMJ New Music Monthly, February 2002

I first learnt of Fugazi during my alternative rock phase in high school. As a bass player, I loved how the funk stlyings of Primus and the Red Hot Chili Peppers worked within the context of hard rock. My aunt Joan bought me an issue of Bass Player magazine with RHCP's Flea on the cover, and I read his interview (and Blood Sugar Sex Magik tablature) repeatedly for about a month. When asked about favorite bands, the one he kept going back to was Fugazi. I saw Pearl Jam later that summer and discovered singer Eddie Vedder was also a big fan. I was quickly realizing Fugazi was my favorite bands' favorite band, so I had to look into them further. I bought the album Steady Diet of Nothing and liked it a lot, but it wasn't until I first heard 13 Songs, a combined release of the band's first two EPs, that the Washington, D.C. quartet clicked for me.

The opening track, "Waiting Room," is quintessential American indie rock: the driving rhythm section perfectly complements thrashing guitars and call-and-response vocals. From there, the disc never loses stream. Each track manages to be both smart and visceral, musically and lyrically. "Suggestion" is one of the best discourses on the objectification of women I've ever heard, proving their ethics included more than a reputed business model. Fugazi made music their way, and it was arguably the best of their genre.

Rock and Roll, Part 2

2010-03-19T18:34:00.002Z

If you follow me on twitter or facebook, you will have noticed my last few updates revolve around the men's collegiate basketball championship. For the readers outside the US, this is essentially a 65-team single elimination tournament. The closest equivalent in global sports is soccer's World Cup knockout stage but four times the size. On Tuesday, there was an opening match to bring the field to sixty-four. Come Monday morning, there will only be sixteen teams left. The following week whittles it down to four. A champion will be crowned on April 5. Workplaces have under-the-table betting pools where everyone fills the entire bracket with their predictions before the first game. Every college involved supports their team with a loud student section and requisite pep band playing today's post title (starts @1:30). These are the three best weeks in American sports.

Quoth Homegirl: "I think your blog [Friday] should have something to do with basketball...and the obsession people have with escaping their lives for 3 weeks. :) You may make me existential yet!... [updates on love life]... Don't f**k with a girl during tournament!"

They call it March Madness for a reason, and it is quite a departure from reality. The best teams don't always win, and quite often one of the lower-rated teams will make an unusually deep run and be labeled "Cinderella." Before the first game tip-off, everyone has a chance to predict the results perfectly and, thus, will claim to know more than everyone else. People will rationalize their predictions with any sort of information they can find and ignore any evidence that disputes it... okay, maybe it's not that different from reality.

Predicting results involves an interesting mix of analysis, gut instinct, and personal preference. Any of those components can backfire. In the mid-90s, Arizona had one of the better teams in the country. I would naturally pick them to go far only to be disappointed with an early-round loss. In 1997, I predicted they would lose in the first round, and they wound up winning the title! I never forgave them for that.

People tend to vehemently support their alma mater or adopted team (Go X!), though I'm not sure it's that much different than supporting a professional sports team or one's country in the Olympics or World Cup. There's a feeling of representation, that the athletes are gladiators fighting a war on our behalf. There's a sense of unity and community often vocalized in "We Are..." cheers. We share their joys and feel their pain without ever stepping onto the court. Maybe it provides the same entertainment as well-written film and video games, taking us out of our lives for a while.

I have a special attachment to the tournament since I attended some games in person while I was growing up. In school, I often had esteem and peer relationship issues; school was as much of a social and emotional challenge as an intellectual one. During my most difficult year, my dad excused me from classes for a few days, and we drove down to Indianapolis to watch first-and-second round action. Four games on Thursday; Two games on Saturday. I saw a number of great players who went onto the professional ranks, my favorite being Kendall Gill. One of the Thursday games featured two teams who scored a combined 221 points, still an all-time top 10 in tournament play. That game was also the last tournament game of Hank Gathers, a rising star who passed away nearly a year later. That weekend was one of the best times I ever spent with my dad, and it was a needed break from everything in my life that I wasn't enjoying. I suppose filling out my brackets every year takes me back to that time and those feelings, and for that I'm grateful.

Break on Through...

2010-03-18T13:34:00.003Z

It's been an emotionally turbulent day so far, and I haven't even had lunch yet! A few times today, I've brooded over a topic (being single, people's potentially negative opinion of me, et al.) and eventually made a small breakthrough around it. For example, I started wallowing about how my interest in a particular woman isn't reciprocated (never mind that I haven't communicated said interest clearly or consistently!). When I'm in that space, it's usually about what I want and what I don't have. If I explore the possibility that the other person has similar wants and needs, it has the potential to shift everything (what... you mean women really desire and enjoy sex? Really?!?). I can focus on giving and providing instead of taking and being provided for. I can view approaching her as an offer instead of a request. It really changes the emotion around it. Of course, the thought of approaching her is still terrifying but much less so after the shift.

I also had another re-hash of the tomato fear, worrying about what other people thought of me after having made a mistake. Maybe they do think less of me and talk about my back. I can't help that, and I can't base my attitude and opinion on things I don't really know. Even if the worst I can imagine is true, I'll live. My success and happiness is not dependent on any specific individual or group.

What's interesting is that while these epiphanies can happen quite frequently, they tend to revolve around the same issues. I need to "get it" all over again, but next time around there's a bit more evidence to make it stick. Growth seems to be less of a straight line and more of a spiral... or possibly even the Chartres labyrinth. I suppose one limitation of this blog's logo is that it implies an endpoint in the center. You can always go back the way you came, seeing how different things look on the way out.

Shamrocks and Shenanigans

2010-03-17T17:49:00.000Z

Nothing deep today. I hope everyone enjoys celebrating Ireland in all its glory. I've got a Croydon Stagers soirée to attend, where I'll be drinking a bit of Jameson.

03/17/XX: Never Forget

Poem: Grace

2010-03-16T15:40:00.003Z

(in honor of Sarah N.)

I am a gazelle
Gliding across the cafeteria's stoic floor tiles
Some dumb, slow song is playing
I choose to follow it, or I don't

I see my schoolmates dancing in couples
They really don't care for each other
But this is what we are expected to do
The other girls are all in nice Sunday dresses
And I am in a white shirt and dark brown trousers
They look at me and smirk, and I spin to ignore them
Becoming lost in a swirl of dim lights and white walls
This is who I am

I stop to catch my breath and see one of the couples
The boy really doesn't want to dance
But he looks at his partner and smiles
Whatever fear he has is gone in the moment
Other couples dance, talking about nothing

They won't remember this, but I will
Not the time or place but the sensation of freedom
To fly around the room without fear of losing people's approval
To immerse myself in song and have space to run around
To express myself fully and completely right here
Without reservation
Without fear
Without pain

I look up to the bland, white ceiling
And say "Thank you" to God
Or whoever else might be listening

Diamond in Your Mind

2010-03-15T18:04:00.002Z

Welcome back to Monday, everyone! I had a good session with Jill today, and she helped me realize how quickly I can react out of habit. While she was giving a set of instructions, I already braced myself to follow them before she had even finished! With anything we experience, we always have a conscious choice on how to react. Of course, we can choose to not react at all, which is what I did after the next set of instructions. Usually, conscious choice and action is the winner over automatic (in)action. It's amazing how the mind can affect us, though (and vice versa).

Along those lines, Homegirl is in much better spirits these days, and for this I am grateful. She mentioned giving her belief system a quick check, and she also credited the support of people from whom she hadn't heard in a while. It's interesting how attached we can be to get our external needs met from specific avenues; sometimes if we can just open up a little bit more we can get a nice surprise. She also adds "that I worry too much about unneccessary things & I need to be grateful for all the people who will emotionally catch me when I fall. Good logic, right?! That's blog worthy!!!" Indeed it is.

Poem: Limerence

2010-03-13T11:32:00.005Z

I love you…. no, wait, that’s not right.

I love the idea of you.

I love the possibility of waking up next to you every morning.

I love the rush I feel when you smile at me and say hello.

I love hearing you laugh at my dumb jokes.

I love these things so much that I can’t live without them.

That’s not love.

That’s need, dependence, obsession, and fear.

I can’t stop thinking about you.

Everything I used to enjoy is dull and boring now.

When you’re away, I think about all the things I want to tell you.

When you’re here, I have nothing to say.

I want to tell you everything.

How I think about you more than everyone else combined.

How every thought about you is a knife plunging into my chest.

How I would give up my job, my friends, my family, and my life.

How mindless all of this is.

How it really has nothing to do with you.

I want to tell you, but I can’t.

It’s not you saying “No” that scares me.

Rejection has become a second home.

It’s you saying “What? Stop! Get away from me! How dare you?”

If I upset you, you’ll turn my world against me.

I gave you that power, and I can’t take it back.

I see you’re with someone new.

You look so vibrant, so fulfilled, so happy.

I’m sorry I couldn’t help you get to that place.

We don’t have to talk or be friends if that’s what you want.

All I ask of you is just one small thing.

Please don’t hate me.

Surrender

2010-03-12T17:34:00.003Z

I just finished a phone call with a work colleague who is an avid music theater fan and regular Pathwalk reader. Naturally, we talk a lot about life outside work, and she asked me how long I've been in the UK (8 years next month) and how I got there originally. I told her the story...

I was working in Denver during November 2000, and I had the opportunity to help with some UK-specific pre-release testing. We were scheduled for one week in England, and I booked my return flight a day later to get an extra day of sightseeing in central London. A number of people from vastly different social circles recommended Westminster Abbey, so I figured the Universe was giving me a hint. Thanks to our client's location, we spent the week at a hotel off Kensington High Street. Good times ensued even though we were mindful of expenses. No matter how great London is, it's better when someone else is paying for it.

Throughout the week, I noticed locals wearing poppies on their jacket lapels and learned it was a fund-raiser in honor of Veteran's/Remembrance Day, November 11. On 11:00 am that day, the UK has two minutes of silence to honor those who have served. November 11, 2000 was my sightseeing Saturday, and I arrived at the Abbey early to see the place before the allotted silence. For those who haven't been, I highly recommend it. The history and energy of the place is amazing. Monks lived there over 500 years ago, and I practically felt their presence when walking around the cloisters. As 11:00 am neared, I went to a nearby pew, sat down, and meditated a bit to get centered. Then everything went silent, Big Ben rang eleven times, and I knew I was coming back.

I usually end the story by joking that I still don't know why I'm supposed to come back. I know, though, this is where I need to be right now. It's interesting how each of our paths unfold, and I see that unfolding as a co-creative process with the Universe. I know most of the work is done outside of my awareness and control, but I still need to do my part. Sometimes, I wish I had clearer instructions, spelling out exactly what I have to do. Other times, I find it hard to just trust what's happening in my experience. "OK, God, I'm happy to do what you want, but I need you to tell me exactly what that is while still giving me sense of control." It doesn't work that way. There's that element of release, surrender, "Thy Will Be Done," Islam (literally 'one who submits to God'), "Use Me," et al. Whatever you call it, letting go is a vital part of the process.

Disconnect

2010-03-11T19:52:00.000Z

I woke up this morning in a pretty down space, brooding about the usual (selective lack of fulfillment, frustrations with courtship, et al.). Combined a depressed feeling with a homeworking job, and it could have been a recipe for disaster. Shortly after I logged into the private network, a colleague had a task for both of us to complete, and I started my portion of it. I made a lot of progress in a short period of time thanks in part to some music on the iPod. Once I finally finished and made myself a late breakfast, I noticed how much better I was feeling about everything. Doing something meaningful, even though it wasn't related to the source of my woes, got me out of the emotional funk.

"Taking your mind off" a problem is common advice, and there's a certain amount of truth and practicality to it. One of my goals is to be present with myself regardless of my state, but I still need to live my life, pay the bills, and honor my commitments. Where is the line that separates distance from avoidance? What's the difference between enjoying a high-quality meal and indulging in food as a means of escape? Feel free to change "food" to drinking, entertainment, sex, or work, and the same questions still apply. How can we be aware that we are enjoying this as opposed to numbing our feelings? Being present in the activity? Enjoying it in moderation? I'm not sure and would love to hear your take on it.

What's the World Got in Store

2010-03-10T17:53:00.001Z

I had a great one-on-one session with Jenna yesterday. We talked about the blog, how I'm feeling about the work I've done on my life purpose and next steps. One of the big takeaways was the idea of me being a "big shot aritst in the spotlight." I love performing; joining Croydon Stagers has been one of the highlights of my English experience thus far. The challenge now is how to express my experiences in a way that invites people to reflect on their own... all within a performance context.

My initial thought is spoken word, whether it's performance poetry, storytelling, or some hybrid. There are some great resources both in North America and the UK for this stuff, and I glanced at a number of them last night. Henry Rollins' talking tour is a good template for what I currently have in mind, but it will naturally be my own stories and my own style. I'm planning to attend a poetry performance on Friday for inspiration and hit a few open mics next week. I wrote a poem yesterday, and it was extremely cathartic; I'll likely post it here in the next few days. Stay tuned.

We Care a Lot

2010-03-09T10:48:00.000Z

In the spirit of balance and not taking life too seriously, I have to confess I cannot get enough of this photo. Faith No More and Tom Jones?!?!? Think of the possibilities! Seriously, I think Sir Tom could do a mean "War Pigs," but I'm not so sure about today's post title.

That is all.

Can I Get a Witness?

2010-03-08T16:54:00.003Z

As it turned out, last week's exchange was the first of three relationship chats in as many days. Melanie and I updated each other on our crushes and frustrations the day we went to Bodyflight. Another good friend of mine could be ending a long-term commitment very soon, and we had a few talks over the weekend about it. It's hard to see someone I care about so distraught, but once again I'm also honored to support him in his process.

Being there for someone else helps put my own issues and struggles into a better perspective. My own painful experiences give me a greater sense of empathy when I hear another's, even if the story isn't an exact match. Having a lackluster relationship track record gives me the freedom to withhold advice and just be with people as they share. I can acknowledge anything that they are experiencing and don't have to (dis)agree with it. I don't have to serve as a guide or a counselor; I can just be a witness.

I've witnessed quite a bit the past few days. Feelings can change in an instant. Finishing a relationship doesn't mean the other is unloved or unlovable. If the relationship is of any value, both parties will hurt when it's over. It may take time to assess whether the good outweighed the bad. The most insightful idea I got reading John Gray (aka the Mars/Venus guy) was that a person's current dating life normally reflects how his/her last relationship ended. If a break-up goes badly for you, it can really turn you off to dating in the future. Keeping that in mind would probably help a lot of people I know, myself included.

Learn to Fly

2010-03-06T15:27:00.000Z

So I finally cashed in on my friend Mel's birthday present from last year. Both Melanie and I had a 75-second solo flight each and two 75-second second dual flights. The staff aiding us where helpful, encouraging, and enthusiastic. Mel took to it really well, and I managed to hold my own.

It was an interesting exercise in presence. I'm instructed to hold my arms a certain way, keep my back arched, bend my knees at a certain angle, and keep my chin up. Oh, yeah, while doing all of that, I'm supposed to relax! I admit to being behind the curve for body awareness, and I'm not really sure how somebody can integrate all of those instructions in a short period of time. Maybe it's a talent of its own, or maybe I'm trying too hard to do it right and could spend more effort being present in the moment.

I don't feel led to do it again anytime soon, but I'm still open to trying something with a bit more freefall, like a proper skydive or Body Flight's Vertigo experience. That said, I enjoyed the trip and am grateful for the experience. It is easily one of the most memorable birthday presents I've ever had. Thanks, Mel! :)

State of Love and Trust

2010-03-04T10:03:00.005Z

I received a note overnight from a friend in the States, sharing her latest romantic turmoil. I won't get into specifics here, but needless to say things didn't work out as she had hoped. Though we've only recently reconnected after a long break, she trusted me enough to tell me what happened and how she was feeling. I feel really flattered and honored to support her process. It was also a bit validating for me as well; as she put it, "Just thought you would appreciate knowing someone else is a little lost, too." I certainly do.

My attitude about love changes roughly every fifteen minutes, but I'll share my current take as I'm typing this. Love is essential. Romance is not. From what I can tell, most chase the latter and, once they find it, hope the former grows over time. It's wonderful to see it work that way, but it doesn't change the fact we're dealing with two separate dynamics. One of the readings for Linda and Andy's wedding speaks to this so well that Izzy and I fought over who would read it (we're splitting it: me in Canada, Izzy in UK). Dr. Dorothy Tennov's concept of limerence does a great job describing the 'in love' state and distinguishing it from love. For the record, my shortest working definition of love is "unconditional acceptance."

So even if we accept the difference between these two states, what do we do with that? Do we still chase after the endorphin rush rationally knowing it will subside eventually? Can we trust our hormones and emotions to know what is best for us long-term? Is the ecstasy worth the anguish? Is marrying a good friend with matching values and goals "settling for less" simply because other potential partners have more sex appeal? What do you think?

Also, the first comment to catch the title reference gets bragging rights. Just sayin'.

Special or Just Different?

2010-03-03T15:15:00.000Z

I'm learning that introspecting can remarkably easy in public; everybody is in his or her own head and probably not concerned that I'm sitting somewhere with my eyes closed. This is a very productive way to pass the time on public transport, in shopping queues, and at any other locaion where the world doesn't require your full attention at a given moment.

While I was at the gym this morning, I gave myself time and space to process between in each workout set. One common theme for me right now is how opening to feeling gives me a sense of being four years old or developmentally challenged. It reminded me of a status from one of my newer Facebook friends: "Men are like parking spaces. All the good ones are taken, and all the free ones are handicapped."

I'm doing my best not to label these young/special feelings, but I also have to admit some resonance with them as well. I've read quite a bit in the past twelve months about giftedness being a special need and found Barbara Kerr's Smart Boys especially poignant. I'm different enough that I feel out of place with a lot of the world, but knowing that I'm not alone in this is also a great comfort. It's important not to take oneself too seriously and recognize the genius of Gary Larson. It's another one of life's balancing acts.

Moving to a completely unrelated topic, I had to post the following video simply on principle. I prefer "Here It Goes Again" as a song, but I'm always amazed how OK Go actually gets a working take for their videos. Enjoy!

Asking the Right Questions

2010-03-02T18:22:00.001Z

I had another great session with Jill yesterday. It's very interesting to pay attention to sensations and emotions when following her instructions. I often move from feelings from grace and strength to insecurity and incompetence (or vice versa) in less than a second. She suggested asking my body to act certain ways. Could my back release more? I wonder if my shoulders could relax? Could my hips be looser? It's a very different and effective way of communicating instead of sending orders.

As I walked home from the lesson, I kept the questions going: Can I lead with my knees? Could my shoulders relax even further? Could my chest soften? Could I feel vulnerable with an 'open' chest in public? Can I accept feelings of awkwardness or strangeness that came with all of these results? What do these feelings mean? Do they have to mean anything?

It reminded me a lot of focusing, which I learned during my Denver days and used pretty effectively back then. It entails a lot with being present with whatever sensation or emotion you have and just doing your best to describe it. Describing the feeling, though, is not the same as explaining, rationalizing, or labeling it. If you concentrate on what's there, associations with it may become clearer. They may not, and that's OK too. Just being with and trusting yourself can be worth the effort.

An Ad Hoc Community

2010-03-01T17:19:00.006Z

Saturday night, I went to Stockwell, South London to support my goddaughter's mother's rock originals band. Their songs were tight, especially with their new rhythm guitarist. Jakki blew the roof off with her powerful vocals and was a perfect, sleazy queen of the stone age.

What impressed me most about the evening, though, was the venue itself. From the start, the landlady, Shirley, encouraged everyone to stay in the ballroom and support all bands. Her advice did not disappoint. We were first treated to Jamie Maidment's set of indie folk and one-mand-band looping gymnastics (not to mention a quality cover of Radiohead's "Exit Music for a Film"). The Chav Town Band kept things moving with their upbeat guitar pop that took cues from both sides of the Atlantic. After Jakki and friends made a complete mess of the place, Rise cleaned up with an eclectic mix of rock songs that would sound just at home twenty years ago as they do today.

All the acts stayed to support each other, and it created a really open, intimate evening of support and encouragement. It reminded me of my favorite nights out singing karaoke. Obviously, the talent range is a bit wider at "okey," but the ethos still matches up quite well. It's not a faux X-Factor competition to see who has the best voice or most talent. It's expressing oneself in a creative, meaningful way. It's enjoying oneself while also being recognized and accepted. I think that's something everybody needs, and Shirley does a phenomenal job of creating a space for that. Looking forward to my next trip to Stockwell.

Songs for My...

2010-03-01T16:18:00.003Z

A few days ago, I met up with my friends Linda, Andy, and Isabel at England's oldest freehouse for a nice meal and catch-up. Linda and Andy are getting married in late July, and both Izzy and I have readings for the ceremony. It's a great honor, and I'm really looking forward to the event. As the afternoon progressed, we ordered more bottles of a nice kiwi red and discussed what serious and silly songs we could put on the wedding CDs. Izzy and I busted out our iPods and took turns sharing our favorites, and it seems a few of them made the cut.

It was a great day with great friends, and it also made me reflect on songs that have really spoken to me over the years that I plan to reserve for special days. Post a comment with some of your favorites.

Songs for My Wedding
Beth Orton - Lean on Me (w/ Terry Callier)
Iron & Wine - Such Great Heights (yes, it's a cover; here's the Postal Service original)
Tom Waits - Take It With Me
Ben Folds - The Luckiest (live symphony performance)

Songs for My Funeral
Jimmy Eat World - Hear You Me
Iron & Wine - The Trapese Swinger (acoustic performance)
Laura Nyro - ...And When I Die

Revisitng Faith

2010-02-26T16:46:00.009Z

When I was active in New Thought churches in Denver and London, I visited BeliefNet on a regular basis. I found many of its columns insightful even if I didn't agree with them. It always scratched the many-paths-up-the-same-mountain itch I caught years prior when my dad gave me a copy of The Tao of Pooh. When BeliefNet released the Belief-O-Matic quiz, I was New Thought across the board and enjoyed sharing the quiz with friends.

Someone posted the quiz on Twitter again today, and I was curious if the results would be any different since I've digested a lot of gnostic ideas. New Thought plummeted all the way to eighth, right above Scientology! Liberal Friend at number two seems like a good fit if I was led to join a community; I still like Jesus a lot. My brother's been active in Unitarian Universalist churches and groups for a long time, and I know it suits him pretty well. I've got a lot of Celtic blood, so neo-Druidism resonates a bit.

In short, I believe in a Higher Power and not really attached to the specifics of how It works. It's probably omniscient, not necessarily omnipotent, and definitely an Essence of Love and Wisdom. Its Nature can only be learned through experience, and each individual's relationship with It is personal and unique. I've included my full results below. Try the quiz, and let me know yours!

1.	Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2.	Liberal Quakers (99%)
3.	Neo-Pagan (95%)
4.	Reform Judaism (95%)
5.	New Age (92%)
6.	Mahayana Buddhism (91%)
7.	Jainism (83%)
8.	New Thought (82%)
9.	Scientology (80%)
10.	Baha'i Faith (80%)
11.	Sikhism (79%)
12.	Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (78%)
13.	Theravada Buddhism (75%)
14.	Hinduism (75%)
15.	Taoism (64%)
16.	Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (62%)
17.	Secular Humanism (61%)
18.	Orthodox Judaism (59%)
19.	Islam (56%)
20.	Orthodox Quaker (55%)
21.	Nontheist (30%)
22.	Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (26%)
23.	Seventh Day Adventist (23%)
24.	Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (22%)
25.	Eastern Orthodox (19%)
26.	Roman Catholic (19%)
27.	Jehovah's Witness (18%)

When Enough Is Enough

2010-02-25T17:25:00.000Z

For most of February, I've been involved in a special project at work. I was pretty excited going in and set some reasonable goals for myself. We're nearly done with the project, and I've been half as productive as I had originally hoped. There were a lot of factors involved, and most of them were outside of my control. Rationally knowing that, however, didn't stop feelings of disappointment and shame from kicking in. "If only I had been more focused... If only I had asked for help sooner... If only I had a better understanding of the product..." The 'if onlys' kept coming and brought a lot of stress with them.

In a meeting yesterday, I discovered the project's management sponsor was pleased I made the progress I did with little or no help. He had full awareness what slowed me (and everyone else) down, and he saw the project as a success compared to similar projects in the past. I left the meeting relieved and inspired. As it turned out, the 'if onlys' were not just discouraging and counterproductive; they were also inaccurate views of reality.

I started wondering how and why these sort of situations happen. How do we set expectations with ourselves and other people? What does the picture of "should" look like in our heads, and how do we know it's our own picture instead of someone else's? How do we judge what is reasonable? What's the difference between acceptance and apathy?

What do you think?

Spreading the Emotional Wealth

2010-02-24T15:57:00.006Z

Yesterday, I received an amazing message from Mike, a high school classmate. While I haven't seen him in nearly fifteen years, social media (specifically Facebook) gave us an opportunity to reconnect recently, and I invited him to read the blog. His note was quite lengthy and extremely supportive, sharing some of his own experiences and attitudes about life. While reading it, I felt some guilt creep in when realizing I hadn't reciprocated an active interest in his life. I just checked his profile to catch up quickly on his residence, state of employment, love life, and other highlights. In the process, I learned quite a lot about curling and his attitudes about ice dancing as an Olympic sport. I'm not sure it makes up for his generosity just yet, but it's a good start.

In retrospect, I don't recall Mike being anything but supportive. He was the first donor of my charity walk last year. My most vivid memory of him in high school was when he told me, after I made the winter cheerleading squad, the students' protest of the squad selection had nothing to do with me. Stephen R. Covey (aka "the 7 habits guy") developed the emotional bank account concept of relationships, where deposits and withdrawals respectively build and remove trust. Covey naturally supports frequent deposits to build a high balance, and Mike has certainly done that in my eyes.

I wonder, though, if most people idealize a neutral balance, viewing a relationship as an equal amount of give-and-take. If we give to someone consistently, do we expect something from them in return, even if it's a quick "thank you?" If someone gives to us, do we suspect their motives or feel obligated to return the favor? I've been guilty of both on many occasions. I realized a while back that even if many of my individual relationships were out of balance, viewing them as a whole showed an equilibrium. For every person to whom I overgave, I was receiving from another without much effort on my part. Perhaps that's true in your relationships as well. Keep it in mind the next time you want a specific response from a specific person or receive a gift or compliment from an unexpected source.

Taking the Next Step

2010-02-23T18:40:00.002Z

I wrote an email to Jenna today as I'm missing the final part of her five-step workshop. While composing the email, I realized I never explained my logo choice. Here's a [revised] excerpt to get us started:

'My biggest question [about the blog] is "Now What?" I've made a commitment to post on the blog everyday and set a goal to tweet 5 times a day. I already have an initial audience; I can look to expand it. Facebook ads feel like a good first step. I'm not keen on following potential readers I don't know on Twitter as it always feels like spam when I receive those. I suppose participation in like-minded forums/chats is another option when time permits, but I haven't researched that yet.

There's also [the component of not knowing] how this will unfold and manifest. [It forces me to be exactly where I am right now.] I think that's one of my favorite parts of the labyrinth at Chartres Cathedral, my choice for the blog's logo. Picture yourself in [a fully built model] with ten-foot walls on both sides, and all you can really see is where you are and possibly a bit of where you're going and where you've been. You don't know where the center is in relation to you, but if you keep going forward you'll get there. It's the only way you can go, and every turn gets you closer ...'

The church I attended in Denver would occasionally host a huge floormat of the Chartres labyrinth, and I gained insight every time I walked it. There's a great of power in accepting where you are, moving forward, and seeing detours in a larger context. Feel free to learn more about labryinths or even follow the Chartres path with your mouse pointer or finger. I'd be curious to hear what comes up for you.

Balancing the Service Act

2010-02-22T17:19:00.003Z

Happy Monday, everyone. Special thanks to all who gave supportive and constructive feedback so far. Feel free to keep it coming, whether it's a email or private message, a comment here, or the Facebook page.

Yesterday, my uncle made a great point about success in life and relationships being dependent on "getting out of thyself," and my experience has frequently proven it. The primary phrase in my high school's mission statement is developing men "for others." Many of my best experiences in college were through my involvement in a school philanthropy. I was actually moved to organize a charity event from scratch last year to help a friend support her ill sister, and it was a highlight of my year. One of Jenna's dominant themes for me is learning emotional authenticity within a service context. Knowing I've made a positive difference in someone else's life is extremely fulfilling.

I'm learning there's another side to it as well. When I'm aware of my own reactions and processes, I communicate more clearly and feel less inclined to take on someone else's emotional junk (especially if it has nothing to do with me). As I clear my own emotions, I am more free to be present with someone else no matter what state she/he is in. It's a tricky balance between becoming too selfish and losing one's sense of self, but it's worth the effort to get there.

Last Saturday evening, I was traveling to a friend's 30th birthday party, being mindful of my movement like a good A.T. student should. When I arrived, the birthday girl was stressed having worked on the party all day with a lot of unexpected complications. I sat down with her, let her be upset without trying to fix it, and told her I would help in any way I could. As it turned out, that way was to hold the fort at the venue while she left to get ready. Her husband, who was also very stressed, came back a short time later with two hours' worth of work and a thirty-minute deadline. I offered to cook food he brought while he finished the lightning and tech setup. In the end, it all worked out: there was plenty of food, the room looked amazing, and from what I could tell everyone had a great time. I know I certainly did!

If anything, my writing here is an attempt to document what that balanced self/others space can feel like and how I travel in and out of it. It's important to me, though, to keep it in context of my own experience. I don't want to state my opinion on these matters as fact, but I get how the prevalent I-language risks me looking self-indulgent. Finding the right words may be another balancing act altogether, and it will take time and practice. If readers discover they have similar experiences, they might feel validated. If they don't, they might reflect on what works for them and why. I welcome either, both, or none of the above.

An Official Welcome

2010-02-21T09:02:00.000Z

If you're reading this, chances are you came here directly from a Facebook/twitter link. Welcome to my new little corner of cyberspace. It's current intent is to serve as a daily introspection to share thoughts and feelings about what's happening in my life. With any fortune, it will provide a chance for you to reflect on your own process and see what's similar and different. I felt it best to create a week's worth of content before going public, so you have an idea of where I'm going. Special thanks to everyone at Jenna Avery's recent five-step workshop for their sharing and insight.

Jenna's challenged me to be a "big shot in the spotlight," and that revolves around three major ideas: success, leadership, creativity. This blog is meant to be a starting point, and I don't know where it goes from there. My inner control freak is naturally intimidated and afraid, and that's OK. I need to trust the process and see where this takes me. Thanks for joining me in this part of the journey.

Party of One

2010-02-20T12:32:00.005Z

As my closest and oldest friends know, the biggest emotional struggle I've had throughout my adult life is that of attracting and maintaining a partner. Most of my friends paired up at different times throughout high school, college, and our careers. Spouse-and-house seemed like the next logical step after getting a degree and a job. I've dated some wonderful women and grateful for everything I learned from them, but I've never managed to make it work long-term.

I habitually blame myself for this. It varies on the social situation, but I can be extremely inhibited. A friend once labeled me as "social on the outside, shy on the inside," and that still resonates. I could make a greater effort to understand flirting dynamics. I could probably be more confident and realize that a lot of my best attributes would add value to a relationship. I could put myself 'out there' more often.

What I'm starting to get, though, is that it's been a too important, all-consuming goal. I've made it a prerequisite for happiness, and that adds just enough desperation to sabotage it. The pressure in Western culture to couple up is huge, and I probably bought in when I saw my first Disney film as a kid. I wouldn't call the pressure "tyrannical," but I think the quirkyalone movement has a lot of insight on how to live a positive single existence. When I'm honest enough with myself to say having a girlfriend or wife isn't that important, it gives me a lot more freedom to focus on things happening right now. I don't have choose a life of celibacy. I've managed a surprise encounter once or twice, and a relationship may develop in time. What's most important is that I'm present with whomever is there... even if no one else is around.

Colin: Unplugged

2010-02-19T17:32:00.008Z

I understand that Tiger Woods had a press conference today and that something is going on in Canada right now. I haven't seen either of them. As many of my friends know, I haven't had a television in my residence since I graduated from college over twelve years ago. I don't miss it despite thoroughly enjoying the last two Super Bowls live at a friend's flat. I don't intend to be a cultural snob about this. I have my own idiot time; it's just a bit more interactive. I'm pretty sure BioWare has a copy of my brain and defined it as their core demographic. Dragon Age and the Mass Effect series are both set in wonderfully-created worlds and give you a reasonable amount of control over the story.

While I certainly have a busy schedule and give my time to community in different ways, there's a subtle guilt and sense that I'm out of the loop. Anything I know about the outside world normally comes through Facebook/Twitter* or checking The Week's website once or twice a month. While I believe major news media thrives on negativity, I don't use that to justify my ignorance of it. For the large part, I just don't care. That said, I don't totally isolate myself. I vote in the even-yeared US elections. I donate to a few charities and kicked in a bit extra for Haiti... not because I feel compelled to but only because people/organizations ask. I don't know whether this makes me unusually apathetic or just like most people (not mutually exclusive, I know).

So how is an attitude like that compatible with an essence of Justice? At a socio-political level, it's not, but perhaps there's another way to define it. I've picked up a copy of Plato's Republic, and the translator, Robin Waterfield, makes it very clear that his interpretation of the text is psychological, not political. The social classes serve as an allegory to different parts of the human psyche. In this sense, when the text talks about Justice, it's not about ideals between people but within oneself. It's about personal integrity. Seeing that in other people, and myself on occasion, is what inspires me to improve as a human being. I'll probably start the text tonight and definitely keep you posted on my progress.

* I found out about Stack's plane crash through a friend who works two stop signs away from the IRS building.

blush

2010-02-18T18:31:00.002Z

So I'm in an amateur musical theatre production, and we rehearsed last night. I've been so anxious about singing and acting "well" that I got the words wrong on a solo line! The embarrassment I feared came in a slightly different form than I expected, but it showed up all the same.

In hindsight, it was pretty funny, but others' laughter at me triggers a lot of peer relationship junk. It still feels the same as when I was bullied in primary school, even though rationally I know it's completely different. The fear of not ever being accepted, or being accepted and then betrayed, still works its way to my mind's marquee. It's interesting how making one minor mistake seems to be a life-destroying catastrophe. "Everyone will talk about me. I'll get kicked out of the show. I'll lose all my friends and die alone and unloved!!!!" Will it matter a year from now (maybe even a month... or a week)? I doubt it.

What's important is not focusing on what anyone thought of me but knowing that even if the worst happened and everyone abandons me (which it didn't, and they won't), I can handle it. I've been through worse and I've lived. I've got me, and while I've been wonderfully supported at times, I'm leading quite a dynamic life. Throughout the years, both friends and strangers have commented me on my strength, and I never really saw that. Hell, it tooks me 33+ years to do my first chin-up! Maybe, though, those people are onto something...

In a word: GAH!

2010-02-17T16:24:00.002Z

I probably shouldn't have set myself up at the end of the last post. It's been a stressful day today. My weight tests at the gym showed a lot of strength gains since the beginning of January, but the rest of the day has been relatively downhill. What's funny is that I can find the trigger in hindsight...

A friend sent a query about an upcoming meeting, and I started worried that I made a scheduling mistake. When I confirmed the schedule was correct, I got upset at said friend for needlessly stirring me up (because Lord knows I'm not responsible for my own reactions and feelings; they are always somebody else's fault). From there, the main work testing system I was using crapped out, and I was afraid the lack of productivity would make be look bad (I am working while writing this really... I promise). Trying the Alexander Technique postures started to cause me a lot of back pain. By the time I made a few roast beef sandwiches for lunch, I was brooding about women and eating an excess amount of candy. I was a childish mess of shallow thoughts and strong feelings.

Just like last night, though, when I recognized and gave myself permission to be messy, a lot of the junk cleaned itself up. I felt calmer and more centered. Both feelings and thoughts tend to drift in and out and only stick around when we latch onto them. My experience with meditative practice is that it's essentially trying to be in that space where everything comes and goes no matter what your mind tries to throw at you. While I've certainly learned a lot through trying different methods, I don't recall ever feeling as present in a short period of time as with I have with the Technique (back pain aside). It could be that I've been building a base for it all this time, and there's little point in judging the past. Still, it's good to find something that sticks.

As an aside, I posted a tweet about the Barbican Centre messing up a ticket mailing for me, and they're now following me on Twitter. I wonder whom else I could attract this way?

At Length

2010-02-16T23:42:00.000Z

I had my first Alexander Technique session today, and I really got a lot out of it. I've been habitually tense and inflexible as long as I can remember, and today I had a new sense of how to walk, sit, and hold my upper body in a 'longer' way. Jill was very encouraging throughout the process and did a great job of explaining ideas and setting expectations. I'm looking forward to ongoing sessions, so I can progress even further.

I've been doing my best to put the ideas into practice today, and most of it still feels pretty weird. I reverted back to old habits quite a bit, but the fact I'm able to catch myself is a good sign. What I've also noticed is that releasing tension gives me more energy to focus on what's happening right now, whether I'm in my body or outside it. I can be more relaxed around other people. I can be present when someone dear to me is having a tough time, and I don't feel compelled to fix it. I have been also more aware of sadness, anger, and fear that may (not) be associated with something I'm thinking about. Whether I can trace is back to a reason or not doesn't really matter. If I acknowledge whatever shows up, it gently drifts away. It's a pretty powerful place to be. Now it's just making a habit of staying there...

Life School

2010-02-15T10:27:00.001Z

The most recurring dream I have is some variant of an examination dream, and it was my last dream this morning before I got out of bed. In this case, I was in a course that had a major assignment due, and I wasn't even aware of it. I don't recall what the consequences were... possibly that we had the remainder of the class to finish it. Regardless, I was wildly putting something together during class to turn in. When I woke up, I just sighed to myself, "No, not AGAIN!"

If you google exam dreams, you'll find quite a few different interpretations. Most of them boil down to awareness (not knowing about the exam) or confidence (not feeling prepared for it). Both of those have seemed to apply for most of my life. I've never been one to have had a deep sense of belonging anywhere. The world, as a whole, feels very foreign to me. I rationally know that I have touched a lot of lives and made meaningful connections with people, but it's not enough for me to call any place 'home' with every fiber of my being.

Normally, I overcompensate by analyzing it instead of paying attention to what's right in front of me. What if I'm not doing the right things? I understand that being sensitive and gifted means my life is different from most people's, but certainly there's some sense of smaller sense of standard or normalcy within that? Ultimately, I'm responsible for my life, so why do I feel the need to explain my choices and actions in a way that other people can understand? Maybe I don't trust that they will. It's a hard place to be: lonely, afraid, often sad. It's probably a struggle everyone has, and it's interesting how feeling isolated give people something to have in common.

A Statement of Identity and Intent

2010-02-14T12:45:00.003Z

At my core, I am an embodiment of Justice. I am uniquely supported and inspired by Justice, Wisdom, Sharing, Warmth, and Presence. My Life Purpose is to express who I am as I am in a way that transforms the world. I am here to master, teach, and provide self-acceptance.

Starting this blog is a first step in living this purpose. My writing may enlighten, trigger, upset, or inspire, but there is no right response. I trust you will get exactly what you need. My writing may not make logical sense, and it may not be well-written. It will always, however, be an accurate reflection of me.

This is not about conformity. Being myself gives others the freedom to be themselves. By enriching and encouraging uniqueness, we create connections through honoring both our similarities and differences.